New Pajamas

My youngest boy is sitting in his brand new Lightening McQueen pajama’s carefully peeling the paper off of each crayon from a new box again. He has lots of pajamas, many that I’ve made myself out of super soft materials that he liked the feel of at the fabric store. But these new pj’s are ones that I wasn’t able to resist buying him after he looked up at me with his luminous blue eyes, pointed at them and said “uh” When I said no, not really thinking, just answering automatically as most moms do while in the midst of shopping a single tear slid from his eye and he called out “help momma” and pointed as he lunged at the pj set again on the rack. Looking, truly looking, and seeing just how desperately he wanted them, I thought WHY No? Why not yes? So I smiled at him and grabbed him his size, and the joy on his face as he took them from my hand, held them tight and hugged them, it was totally the right thing to say yes. In that moment in time it was exactly what I was supposed to do, because I brought my son a bit of joy, and his world is all too often filled with confusion and frustration. To see his smile; my heart hurts with how much love is in it for him; love that I often can’t express because I don’t know how to in ways that he’ll accept. Hugs, cuddles, kisses, they are all met with him having a meltdown. He can’t handle touch that well, and how do you show your 2yr old that you love them without touching them????? I’m sick to my stomach constantly because I want to just hold him, and love him, and kiss his soft forehead goodnight, but I can’t. If I do it just upsets him, but oh how I dream of a day when it doesn’t. And for now I’ll keep buying Lightening McQueen stuff if that’s all I can do to see his smile, for it’s one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever been blessed with.

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