Behind starburst eyes

Losing Joy

on February 24, 2014

1911633_10153837915235304_1382815804_nI feel as if I’ve lost my voice, lost my words, lost myself. I’m struggling to just breathe, and even then there are moments when that hurts so much I can barely do it. I keep myself together by pushing it all down as far into my stomach as I can when I am around others. I do the best I can to pretend that I am strong for all those that are grieving the loss of such a precious child. But I’m not always successful, I try to hide in bathrooms and bedrooms so others don’t see my pain, because it’s not about me right now, it’s about them. They are grieving the loss of a little soul so perfect, so bright with pure light that our world truly is far darker without her here with us. I feel broken, shattered, and torn apart. I know that no matter what I will never be the same again. And when I feel like I can’t even breathe through the pain of losing my niece, I think of her parents and how I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is a million times worse for them. I want to fix it for them, I want to ease their pain, but I know there’s nothing I can do. I can’t bring their Joy back. I can’t mend their shattered hearts. I try to stay busy, I try to do things or cuddle with my own wee ones, but nothing eases the pain at losing her. There is no comfort for me or for her parents or for so many others that are also struggling to just breathe through this tragedy.

I love you Jo-Jo, and I’m sorry, I miss you so much princess, more than words can ever say.

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