Behind starburst eyes

A worn coat and new fabrics

on October 7, 2014

Just yesterday I was at Fabricland getting edging for lil miss’s quilt. As I perused all the options for it I came across the fabrics I’d used to make Joy’s special butterfly pillows. Beside them was an adorable pink and brown flower print and my first thought was that it’d make a really cute pillow for her this Christmas. Immediately, I realized where I’d gone wrong with that thought, and standing in an aisle of Fabricland I started to cry. Time is supposed to make it hurt less, at least that’s what I’m told, but it’s bullshit. It still hurts just as much, because the love we all felt for her hasn’t gone away. We’ll always love her just as much as when we were blessed with her presence in our lives.

I was organizing the hallway closet today, making room for all of our fall and winter gear and getting all of the summer stuff finally packed away. As I was hanging up fall jackets I came across an adorable bright pink coat covered in polka dots. It’s a size 2, and lil miss is now in a 3 but I couldn’t donate it to Value Village. For in faded blue pen it says “Joy” on the tag. Instead I sat on one of the kitchen chairs, clutching this small coat and cried. I cried because she won’t get to outgrow any more coats. I cried for all that we’ve lost as a family without her. I cried because I miss her so much, and I cried because I’m still so angry that someone so perfect had to go. I get that she’s in a better place, I get that she’s no longer hurting or struggling. But I’m angry that she had to struggle and hurt to begin with, and I’m angry that we have to go on without her, it’s not fair and while logically I know life isn’t fair, it doesn’t make it a damn bit easier.

Mr. N saw me crying about the coat and I told him I missed Joy. He said “Aww, that’s sad, I miss her too but she’s up in the sky, she’s watching over us” I’m sure she is, but I still wish I could see her smiling face one more time.

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