Behind starburst eyes

My holiday musings

on December 10, 2014

I try my best to avoid the commercialization of this season. Partly because we cant afford it! But also because I want the kids to have strong make the eyes mist memories of our time together, of their childhood.

I think back to my own childhood, I was 10 the last time I had both parents alive. I’m still blessed with my mum and there is no amount of words that can express how grateful I am to have her! But still, there are moments when I wonder if my dad could see me, would he be proud? Would he be happy that I fight so hard and fierce for his grandsons or would he dislike the hard edges that fight has given me? Would he show off the magazines that sometimes print my articles of Autism or would he try to ignore the fact that my knowledge comes from both my sons being Autistic? Would he have been too “old-school” to accept them? I’ve seen it before in the workshops I’ve presented at, so I know its not rare.

While I wonder these things from time to time I am determined that my kids never will, no matter how long we have together. I want, I need them to know how proud I am of all three of them. How every single milestone no matter how small to the outside world is something I’m grateful to witness.

My dad’s doctor told him his heart was the strongest part of him, and yet a week later I was a confused and messed up girl dressed in black. So there are no guarantees that I’ll have another 10 Decembers with them to bake sugar cookie bells, or to teach them the true meaning of this time of year. So I tend to cram, and I don’t sleep much, and I forget meals for myself and I try so effing hard to make sure I’ve packed as much love as I can into each holiday, each birthday, and every regular day in between. So I post on here and on facebook about all the different holiday-ish things the wee ones and I are doing each day.

It’s not because I’ve gotten caught up in the commercialization of this time of year. It’s because I never got past being scared it might be the last one I had to show those I love how much they mean to me.

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