I wrote this a year and a half ago when my eldest son was going through a rough phase, I’m sharing it right now to let any of you moms out there know that you’re not alone in your struggles. I get the heartbreak you feel each time you can’t make them see how awesome they are. I’m posting it to give insight into the harder days that allot of parents who’s child has a mental health issue face. The parts that people don’t know or understand that come with having a child who’s hurting so badly because of things we cannot control for we (sadly) can’t control the world.
My dear flight risk,
I call you that right now because that’s what you are right now, a flight risk. It means that at any moment I could lose you to the dark paths within your mind that cloud up the truth and make you see illusions instead. Everything has to be either right or wrong to you, and while it’s one thing I cherish about you, it’s also one thing I fear so much. I fear it for I’m scared that it is what will take you away from me, and lead you to a place I pray for you to never know firsthand.
Don’t run my sweet, sweet boy, I beg of you, for you take my heart, my whole reason for being with you should you go. The locks and alarms can only stop you for so long before you figure them out. No matter how far or fast you run, the darkness you’re trying to flee will still be with you, for it’s inside of you. The pain and confusion, the embarassment and the shame, the fear and the longing for something you can’t seem to name. It all stays with you, it’s all a part of you, I know for I have it inside of me too, but now your my light, my peace, my joy, my very world.
So PLEASE don’t run, stay and talk, yell, scream, punch your pillow, anything, let out the frustration at never quite “getting the situation”. Scream away all the times you figured out what to say a few moments too late to say it. Lash out until your too tired to fight anymore, and then my sweet child the most important part comes next;
Once your so tired you can’t fight anymore, once you can’t dredge up a single ounce of pain or anger or fear or rejection, then let love inside. Let love for who you are flow like gentle waves against every part of your soul, washing away the residue and leaving a perfectly smooth surface of sand for you to write the next chapter of your life on. One of acceptance and self-love, for it is BECAUSE of how perfectly amazing you are as a human being that you mean so much to me.
You are the epitome of everything that is right in this world, and every day I don’t wish for you to change a bit… Instead I try to change the world FOR you, because you deserve a better one than what you live in right now!
You deserve one where people say what they mean and mean what they say. Where people don’t make fun of others that are different, but are intrigued by the differences and see them for the wonderful gifts they are to our society. You deserve a world where random hugs are accepted with honor and joyful suprise at your spontanous outpouring of caring and love, NOT reprimands about people’s personal space and how it shouldn’t be breached without prior permission.
Don’t run my sweet, sweet boy, for I promise you, I AM here for you, to hold your hand when your scared, to offer explanations when you’re confused, to be in awe of the purity of your soul, and to fight not just for you but with you if need be until you see, it’s not you that needs to change!
You’re honest, and you love unconditionally. You see every new person as a potential friend and open your heart to every single one of them. You see the splendor in the ordinary details of life like the patterns on a snail’s shell, or a sunset’s majesty. Your thoughtful in ways that many “grown-ups” could learn from. If I could have picked every single thing about you out before you were born I couldn’t have made you a better person than you already are. So please stay with us, and understand that you CAN paint with just bold strokes of black and white. Instead of the dull insiped shades of gray that most use because they are too scared to stand up and be their real selves.